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By all these lovely tokens
September days are here,
With summer’s best of weather
And autumn’s best of cheer.

Helen Hunt Jackson - September
The breezes taste
Of apple peel.
The air is full
Of smells to feel-
Ripe fruit, old footballs,
Burning brush,
New books, erasers,
Chalk, and such.
The bee, his hive,
Well-honeyed hum,
And Mother cuts
Chrysanthemums.
Like plates washed clean
With suds, the days
Are polished with
A morning haze.

John Updike, September
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Do you have a joke?

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Comments

  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Paulette said:

    A drunk man rings at a doorbell at 4 o'clock in the morning.
    The man who lives in this house is furious and asks, "What is this,
    what's wrong?"
    The drunk man says, "Do you want to push me! You have to push me!"
    The resident says, "I do not even know you and it's 4 o'clock in the morning, and you ask me to come and push you, I stay in bed .... "
    Back in the bedroom, he returns to bed, but his wife says, "Why don't you help this man, he is probably having trouble with his car, it has already happened to you that you needed help for the car.
    No, I do not know you at all, I'm very disappointed in you."
    Her husband, completely perplexed, dresses himself and goes down. He opens the door and cries: "Hey dude, I will pushing you, where are you?"
    Drunk man says: "Here in the garden, on the swing"

    This made me laugh. And although it is a joke, it is so typical of someone who is drunk!

    I would never advise anyone to help a drunk man push his car though.. as he shouldn't be driving when drunk!
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Asking for a new job
    "Why did you leave at your previous boss?" asks the staff manager to a job applicant.
    "You could have had a job for life there." he says further
    "Nice job for life, if you have to work your dead", replies the job applicant.
  • ZakiZaki Posts: 101 ✭✭
    I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Zaki said:

    I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

    That made me laugh. I think we have all done things like that, though, when our parents gave us money for something and we chose to use it for something completely different instead!
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    My sister went to the dentist. When she returned home, Mother asked her, " Did you felt pain?" My sister replied, "I don't know, but the dentist jumped in the air when I bitten him in his finger."
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Paulette said:

    My sister went to the dentist. When she returned home, Mother asked her, " Did you felt pain?" My sister replied, "I don't know, but the dentist jumped in the air when I bitten him in his finger."

    This is funny. I think a lot of people are guilty of biting a dentist before. Sometimes it happens completely by accident when something hurts that you weren't really expecting!
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    On a certain day, a man drives on the highway. He drives too fast, more than 160 km / h. He is noticed by a police car that pursues the man. However, the man is driving faster and faster: to about 200 km / h a hour.
    Eventually the police can stop him. "Why are you driving so fast?" Asks the police officer. "Well," said the man, "Last week my wife run away with a police officer, and now I thought you brought her back." :#
  • jackelliotjackelliot Posts: 737 OTT
    jokes are so good
  • jackelliotjackelliot Posts: 737 OTT
    Why does the witch fly on the broomstick?



    ..

    It is because the vaccum cleaner is too heavy ..... He he he

    @Paulette
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    An older macho cowboy enters in a saloon in Texas. He drinks something and goes away again.

    A little later, he returns very angry in the saloon and he shout: "If I don't find my horse back, then you will see it's happens the same as in the eighties....!" and it's getting icy quiet in the saloon...

    And then suddenly a man asks very careful: "What happened in eighties..."

    "Then?.... "Then I had to go back home on foot ...... "replies the cowboy.
  • jackelliotjackelliot Posts: 737 OTT
    An American joke today
    http://jackelliot.over-blog.com/2017/07/charles-river.html
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    A young man asked his girlfriend do you want give me your yes-word to married me?
    The girlfriend replied: "You must first prove that you can't live without me!"
    "Oh no problem" he said;
    "I will bring you all my onpayed bills that proved that I need you so much."
  • ZakiZaki Posts: 101 ✭✭
    edited July 10
    Human beings Have got two kinds of relationship with flies:
    First one: Flies come and sit on you, it shows that how a shit person you are.
    Second: Flies don't sit on you which shows that you not even shit.
  • ZomZom Shadok Posts: 2,800 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    @Zaki - Or you're a troll in Trolls of Troys. (Its' a comic series.) ^^
    It befits a man to be merry and glad
    Until the day of his death.
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Jantje says to his father: "It isn't fair". "What isn't fair?" asks the father" "Well you are married with mum, grandpa is married with grandma and ME, I have to married a strange woman!"
  • jackelliotjackelliot Posts: 737 OTT
    @Paulette thank you for that joke
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    A man comes to a brick company and orders 20,000 bricks. The seller asks: "Twenty thousand bricks, are you going to build a house or something?"
    "No," says the man, "it's for building a barbecue." The seller replies: "You don't need twenty thousand stones for a barbecue?" "But" says the man: "I live on the 12th floor."
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Paulette said:

    A man comes to a brick company and orders 20,000 bricks. The seller asks: "Twenty thousand bricks, are you going to build a house or something?"
    "No," says the man, "it's for building a barbecue." The seller replies: "You don't need twenty thousand stones for a barbecue?" "But" says the man: "I live on the 12th floor."

    That made me smile. And wouldn't it be lovely if you could genuinely do that, and build a tall BBQ that you can use in a block of flats! Then everyone would be able to enjoy BBQ food.
  • YuliaYulia Posts: 50 ✭✭
    The Husband Store
    A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 488 ✭✭✭
    A husband and a wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and the hubby was
    losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring
    out the beast in me." So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a
    mouse?"
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    John says to his father, "Daddy, I'll marry soon!"
    "So," Father says, "with whom or what?" John answers: "With grandma".
    "But that's not possible at all, Grandma is my mother!" answers father.
    John replies, "Why it isn't possible, you're also married to my mother!"
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 488 ✭✭✭
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 488 ✭✭✭
    "I've got a fitness tracker. Now I know there are 236 steps to the pub"

    ***
    "How do you spend your salary?"
    "40% - on food, 30% - on utilities, 30% - on clothes and 20% on entertainment and unexpected expenses."
    "But it makes 120%!"
    "This is exactly the problem!"
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    John bought a parrot, but when the parrot started to curse, John says to the parrot: "If you do this again then you have as a punish in the fridge." A few days later the bird begins to curse again and so he ends up in the fridge. The parrot looks around hem and sees that he is next to a picked chicken and he says, "Amai you must have cursed much louder than me."
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Yulia said:

    The Husband Store

    A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs.The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking."Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.There are no men on this floor.This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.

    This is a funny joke. And I think there is some truth in it - although I would have carried on going up in the lift because I would be curious about what was on the other floors, rather than because I'm difficult to please!
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,035 ✭✭✭✭✭
    A mother tells her young boy that he will probably see the birth of a calf next week.
    Mother explains to her son: "First come, the front legs, than the head, then the shoulders come and the body and finally the hind legs, do you understand" asks mom to her son.
    Yes answers he: " But who puts all these parts together?"
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 488 ✭✭✭
    The headmaster comes across Little Johnny smoking a cigar behind a corner of the school.
    “What class?!” he yells.
    “Bourgeoisie” Johnny answers in a calm voice relaxedly flicking ashes.
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,307 mod
    Paulette said:

    A mother tells her young boy that he will probably see the birth of a calf next week.
    Mother explains to her son: "First come, the front legs, than the head, then the shoulders come and the body and finally the hind legs, do you understand" asks mom to her son.
    Yes answers he: " But who puts all these parts together?"

    I love the way that children take things so literally. I imagine the birth of a calf would be quite unusual for a child to even think about if they had never seen it before, so this is certainly very funny indeed!
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