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What is one to say about June? The time of perfect young summer, the fulfilment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade.

Gertrude Jekyll
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
Is not worth a fly.
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Jokes about the law and lawyers.

BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
edited October 2015 in Humour
Shhheee, it is the matter of law, so take it seriously. ;)
Post edited by Lynne on
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Comments

  • lawyer's joke. 2 beginners lawyers jumped to eat lunch to the restaurant. They ordered 2 beverages. And when waiter left their table they took from their bags 2 sandwiches and started to eat. Waiter brought beverages and told them that they can't eat their own sandwiches in the restaurant. So lawyers looked at each other and exchanged the sandwiches )))
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
    The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
    "I don't have to," the first lawyer calmly replied. "I only have to outrun you."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure; after the police leave," replied the lawyer.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Diogenes dusted off his lamp and set out once again, this time looking for an honest lawyer. After a few months of this, a friend asked him how he was doing. "Not too bad," said Diogenes, "I still have my lamp."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
    "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
    Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stone-cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stone-cutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stone-cutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are." Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground." So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer." And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
    That's the end of the joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry:
    They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
    St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
    "3 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for brain?"
    "4 dollars an ounce."
    "How much for lawyer brain?"
    "100 dollars an ounce."
    "Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
    "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
    The housewife replies: "Four!".
    The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
    The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
    "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
    After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars.
    "The judge is an honorable man," the horrified senior partner exclaimed. "If you do, I guarantee you'll lose the case."
    The judge eventually ruled in favor of the young lawyer's client.
    "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars?" the senior partner asked.
    "I did send them," the young lawyer answered, "I just enclosed the opposition's business card."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
    The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
    The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
    The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood?"
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
    The next question, intended for applicants who had answered, "Yes," was "Why?" The lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer," he said. "How much for a quickie law degree?"
    "About $50,000," the lawyer said, "But why bother?"
    "That's my business. Get me the course."
    Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
    "Please, before it's too late," said the lawyer, "Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?"
    As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, "One less lawyer."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
    "Why are you eating grass?" he asked them.
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
    "Oh, come along with me then," said the lawyer.
    "But sir, I have a wife with six children," the second man answered.
    "Bring them as well."
    They all climbed into the limousine - no easy task - and one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
    "No problem," said the lawyer, "The grass in my yard is about two feet tall."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
    The receptionist replies "I'm sorry but he died last week."
    The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
    The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
    The guy says, "Because I just love hearing you say that."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
    The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
    The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
    The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
    “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
    The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

    Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

    Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    :)

  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
  • LynneLynne Your Teacher HomePosts: 9,186 mod
    edited October 2015
    Isn't it a shame how 99% of lawyers give the whole profession a bad name?
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    @Lynne In other words, they help us out of danger through an illegal way so quickly that 1% take a year to struggle legally.
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,007 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

    "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit."

    "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
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