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"The April rain, the April rain,
Comes slanting down in fitful showers,
Then from the furrow shoots the grain,
And banks are fledged with nestling flowers;
And in grey shawl and woodland bowers
The cuckoo through the April rain
Calls once again."

Mathilde Blind, April Rain
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Do you have a joke?

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Comments

  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    ‘Johnny, stop torturing the cat!’
    ‘Mum, I’m doing a violin exercise…’
    ‘Stop it then and come here for a snack!’
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 6,929 mod

    ‘Johnny, stop torturing the cat!’

    ‘Mum, I’m doing a violin exercise…’

    ‘Stop it then and come here for a snack!’

    Ha ha!
    That is a good joke, but actually very true, as playing the violin can sound very painful for a long time!
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    > @GemmaRowlands said:
    > That is a good joke, but actually very true, as playing the violin can sound very painful for a long time!
    My experience with the jokes about music is that they may be very successful if the audience is _in_the_know (a new phrase https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/be_in_the_know ).
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    A rehearsal of a symphonic orchestra. In the middle the conductor signals to stop playing and begins shouting at the players:
    ‘Second violin! You look like you haven't had enough sleep. You shouldn’t have come here at all then!’
    ‘Wind section! If can't play loudly enough then eat more porridge!’
    ‘Clarinet! Where the hell are you hurrying to? Small children at home? I’m surprised you've found the time to make them!’
    The percussionist loses his nerve and bashs out a long passage with all he has to shut the conductor down.
    ‘Who's done that? Who's the bastard who's done that?!’
  • TeachTeach Your Teacher HomePosts: 9,878 mod
    Here is a music joke I get:-

    One day the wife of a famous pianist went shopping, she left him this note:

    "Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet."
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    > @Lynne said:
    > Here is a music joke I get:-
    >
    > One day the wife of a famous pianist went shopping, she left him this note:
    >
    > "Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet."

    Probably a sort of this:
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 6,929 mod
    Lynne said:

    Here is a music joke I get:-

    One day the wife of a famous pianist went shopping, she left him this note:

    "Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet."

    I love musical jokes. I come from a very musical background, so I understand all of them, but I get some odd looks from my friends when I'm laughing at things they don't understand!
  • VokVok Posts: 638 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    @GemmaRowlands
    They don't laugh because they've already read the adjacent thread on this forum, the one we found out from that laughing can be dangerous for health :)
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 11,639 mod
    Fritz comes home with his report and says, "Dad, is it true that your reading glasses make everything bigger?" And father replies: "Yes, that's right." To which Fritz says: "Well, will you than put on your glasses when you look at the figures of my report. ! "
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    A notice on a lamp post just outside the Odessa conservatory:
    ‘A world famous quartet is hiring a cellist and two violinists’
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    A circus. An old couple is sitting in the first row. Cages with predators are on the arena. The husband says:
    ‘Elsa, how do you think, what would that tiger say if it could speak?’
    ‘I’m a leopard, Elsa’ says the voice from the cage.
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    A high wire act in a circus. The acrobat puts a glass onto the wire, than a knife on the glass, than a chair, stands one foot on it while twisting a hoop with the other. Then he takes a violin and starts playing. Deep silence in the public. Suddenly, a loud whisper: ‘Let’s go home, darling. He’s not quite like Oistrakh’.
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited December 2017
    I'm a psychologist in other people's lives only. In my own I'm a psycho.

    ***
    The women's ability to distinguish miriads of colour shades isn't a blessing but a curse. Just imagine: you come for a manicure and they have 20 shades of red but not the one you want.

    ***
    Being good is tough. You're always crazy at those who aren't.

    ***
    Read Kant in original only. This will let you think that you don't get a word just because you don't know any German.
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 11,639 mod
    When Mary came home from school, her mother said, "Your parrot has flown away today." Mary sighs and replies: "I could have known because when I made my homework for geography yesterday, he was always looking over my shoulder!".
  • HeknerHekner Posts: 1,493 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.
    His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
    Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
    And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
    And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
    And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
    Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
    The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
    The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
    The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."

    "The world was a fantastic, marvelous, awesome place, Rose decided."
  • BubblyBubbly Nightingale Posts: 30,268 ✭✭✭✭✭✭
    Really interesting story. I loved the surprising end of it. ;) @Hekner
  • lisalisa Posts: 1,203 ✭✭✭
    Hahaha, Samsung note 7!!! @Hekner
  • VokVok Posts: 638 ✭✭✭
    @Hekner we're all ears for Sam's resuscitation and his Note 8 :)
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 11,639 mod
    After a newly married wedding couple the bridal suite of the hotel
    has entered, the groom takes off his pants and gives it to his new bride with the words:
    "Put on my pants." The bride say: "It will not to fit me at all", but with a somewhat surprised face she does what he says and then she says:

    "You see, those pants do not fit me anyway!"
    The groom sees that scene amused and then saysvery penetrating: "Very good, and thus this remember that I wear the pants and not you!"
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 11,639 mod
    There are two cows in the pasture. And suddenly de first cow says: "Woof, Woof, Woof" and the other cow reacts surprised and says: "But what are you doing now?" The first cow replies, "But do not you hear it, I am studying foreign languages!"
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    A girl doesn’t need much to feel loved. You only hug her, kiss, look at her eyes adoringly hours long, praise, pamper, tell her she’s slim, dine out, buy dresses, take her for drives in a nice car, remember her favourite flowers, wait, where are you going, that’s not all…
  • LeyantLeyant Posts: 30 ✭✭
    A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 11,639 mod
    A man brought home a bucket of cow dung. "Why do you bring cow dung home?" Asked his six-year-old son. "That is for the strawberries in the garden" the father replied. The son stared at him with wide eyes and then said: "But daddy I prefer them with whipped cream!"
  • homanmihhomanmih Posts: 716 ✭✭✭✭
    An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man are on a plane.
    The plane is going to crash unless they lose some excess weight.
    The Mexican man throws beans off the plane, he says, “In my country, we have too many beans.”
    Next, the Chinese man throws rice off the plane, he says, “In my country, we have too much rice.”
    Next, the American man throws the Mexican man off the plane,
    He says, “That bastard slept with my wife.”
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 941 ✭✭✭
    edited February 6
    A customer walks in the office of the 'Cohen, Berkovich, Salomon, Moses and Shufflebottom' lawers and demands his case to be handed to Mr. Shufflebottom.
    'But why not to the other partners of the firm?', asks the puzzled receptionist.
    'You see, I have high expectations about business skills of someone who can shuffle in with such an intimate company'.
    (my translation)
  • amenahamenah Posts: 34 ✭✭
    edited February 7
    the first joke I heard it was in English course class
    some one said to other
    .
    - I feel homesick
    - but it is your home
    - because that I feel homesick
  • homanmihhomanmih Posts: 716 ✭✭✭✭
    edited February 8
    Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said,
    “Cripes! Life is boring; we never have any fun these days. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
    “You’re on!” said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars.
    As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall.
    His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
    “Wow, what happened?” asked his friend.
    “It was great!” he said, “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”

  • homanmihhomanmih Posts: 716 ✭✭✭✭
    A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain, “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
    Doctor: “Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”
    Man: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”
    Doctor: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
    Man: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘
    Doctor (in anger): “No, no, you idiot! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”
    Man (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”
    Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): “Which one?”
    Man (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 6,929 mod
    homanmih said:

    A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain, “Please doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”
    Doctor: “Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”
    Man: “You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”
    Doctor: “No, you don’t understand! I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”
    Man: “Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree.”‘
    Doctor (in anger): “No, no, you idiot! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting.”
    Man (still screaming in pain): “On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts.”
    Doctor (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): “Which one?”
    Man (innocently): “How am I to know? All bees look the same to me.”

    That is very funny. I like jokes that have several different punchlines within the one joke, it's brilliant.
  • homanmihhomanmih Posts: 716 ✭✭✭✭
    A joke about exams:
    Student 1: Great news, tutor says we have an exam today come rain or shine.
    Student 2 (his friend): So what's so great about that ?
    Student 1: It's snowing outside !
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