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On this breezy October morn, I walk
in the swift shadows of cloud-cursing rooks,
watching the world wake on the horizon.
Leo Yankevich
All houses wherein men have lived and died
Are haunted houses. Through the open doors
The harmless phantoms on their errands glide,
With feet that make no sound upon the floors.

We meet them at the doorway, on the stair,
Along the passages they come and go,
Impalpable impressions on the air,
A sense of something moving to and fro.
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Do you have a joke?



  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    At school, a teacher try to explains the grammar. She wants to show the difference between the present tenseand the past tense.
    She starts with the following sentence: "If I say I was beautiful, then that's the past tense. But can anyone tell me what time I mean when I say," I'm beautiful." John replays spontaneous: "That's a real lie, Miss!"
  • nontannontan Posts: 144 ✭✭
    > @Paulette said:
    > @nontan this joke is very good, I could understand it directly.

    Thank you!!
    I think this is a good way to practice writing English.
    I will try it again later.
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    edited September 9
    A woman comes home from the hairdresser with beautiful curly hair. Her youngest daughter sees it immediately and she asks, "Mom, what's that for things in your hair?" "Oh that," said dad, "that's permanent waves". The little girl then looks from one person to another and suddenly she says, "Ah, I know why mom did that because now you're the beach and mom is the sea, isn't it dad?"

  • JinFeiJinFei Posts: 5
    -Why didn't Noah do much fishing from the Ark?
    -He had only two worms.
  • JinFeiJinFei Posts: 5
    I know another one, it's actually a joke about English. My teacher from http://www.lingoup.ru/teachers.html told me.

    -A Russian coast guard hears a message on his radio from an American boat "HELP! WE ARE SINKING, WE ARE SINKING!!!". The Russian turns on his radio and replies "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT? ".
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 541 ✭✭✭
    Teacher: Johnny knows too many obscene songs!
    Father: What! Does he sing them at school?!
    Teacher: Not so gross... He whistles them...
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Two parrots are sitting together in a cage. Plots say one of the parrots to the other: "It's so hot here". "Shall I open the door?" asks the other parrot.
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    In the pastor's garden there are many apple trees that carry many apples. When the apples are ripe, the boys from the village climb over the fence to pick the apples.
    The pastor does not want this and therefore he has placed a notice in his garden with the words "God sees everything" with the aim to scare the boys
    But when the pastor is going to look the next day, he sees the following text under his notice, "Yes, God sees everything but he never clicks"
  • nontannontan Posts: 144 ✭✭
    A master said to his employee,
    "I need a hammer to fix the shelf. Go to the neighbor's house and borrow one."
    "All right." The employee went and soon came back and said,
    "He didn't lend it."
    "Why? What did he say?"
    "He asked me whether you would use it for hammering a metal nail or a wooden nail. I answered a metal nail. Then he said, his hammer would be damaged by the metal nail. So he didn't lend it."
    "What a stingy man he is." the master said. "OK. Let me use my hammer."
  • CatoCato Posts: 8
    In a small town in California there lived two boys, Shut-up and Trouble. These boys were friends, but every once-in-awhile they would get into a fight. One time after they had both just gotten ice-cream, Trouble's ice-cream fell. Trouble then stole Shut-up's ice-cream and ran away. Shut-up ran after Trouble but eventually lost him, sat on a curb, and started to cry.

    A police officer pulled up and asked, “What's your name?”


    The officer got angry and asked the same question again and got the same reply. Finally, he asked the same question and got the same reply and then said, “Boy, are you looking for Trouble?”

    And Shut-up said, “Yeah, that fool stole my ice-cream!”
  • GemmaRowlandsGemmaRowlands Moderator Posts: 5,527 mod
    nontan said:

    I think it requires a certain level of English writing skill to tell a joke properly.

    Mine might not be enough but I will give it a try.


    There was a stingy man.

    One day, he thought, "It is wasteful to keep both two eyes open at the same time since I can see things with only one eye.

    Since that day, He kept his right eye close and began to see things with his left eye.

    When a couple of decades passed, he found his eye worn out, and that he couldn't see things well.

    He thought, "I have been saving the other eye for an occasion like this."

    He closed his left eye and opened the right one instead.

    Then he found out all the people around him were unknown to him.

    Yes, I understand the joke, and I think it is very good. I don't think it's just a joke - I think it's a lesson for life. We should never be stingy, as it will be bad in the future if we are!
  • nontannontan Posts: 144 ✭✭
    Thank you for your response. @GemmaRowlands
    I am not confident of my writing. I was worried that the jokes I wrote were not understandable.
    In fact, I wrote some other jokes but I haven't posted them thinking they might not be understandable because of my bad writhing and a difference of culture.
    However, I will keep trying.
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    The school report
    The little Frits asks his father: "Daddy, is it true that your reading glasses makes everything bigger? Father answers:" Yes, that's right. "Then Frits says," Well, please put him up if you look at the figures of my report! "
  • ep008ep008 Posts: 3
    A man who did not speak English comes to a bar and tells a girl who was sitting at the bar: "I love you", she responds "I love you too" and he says "I love you three"
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    At a lawsuit the court asks the accused:
    "So you admit, you broke in at a women's clothing store?" The accused replies, "Yes, Mr Judge ." The judge goes on and says, "But why did you do it three times after each other?" and the defendant replies: "That's my wife's fault, Mr Judge, because she sent me back every time because the dresses didn't fit ..."
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 541 ✭✭✭
    Mum to a small son: “if you don’t stop crying now I’ll trade you for another little boy, nice and tractable.”
    Son: “You’ll fail doing this!”
    Mum: “Why are you so sure?”
    Son: ”Where are you going to find a fool who’ll agree to trade a good child for a bad one?”
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    In the fifth grade, the teacher told about liars and deceivers, and at the end of the lesson she said: "Next week you will get a test about it, but therefore you have to read Chapter17 in the story about Mark." The next week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Okay, everyone who has prepared the lesson and read Chapter 17 in the story about Mark, please come to me." About half of the students got up and walked forward. The teacher looked around and said to those who had not come to the front: "You may go, you aren't liars, I will repeat the lesson about lies, because there is no chapter 17 in the story about Mark."
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    John and Louis, two men living in a madhouse walk along the pond.
    Suddenly Louis, who can't swim, jumps into the water and immediately goes under water.
    John jumps him immediately afterneath and succeeds in saving Louis.

    In the afternoon John is demanded at the director of the madhouse
    where the director says, "John, I have good news and bad news:
    The good news is that both the doctor and myself believe that someone who has done such a heroism, not no longer have to stay in an institute.The bad news is that your courage has finally been in vain because Louis hung up himself in the bathroom."

    to which John replies immediately: "But no director;

    Louis has not hung up himself!

    I hung him there to dry."
  • OlegOleg Posts: 2,304 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Do you think this strange story is a real and practical joke? Or people don't have any sense of humor at all?
  • nontannontan Posts: 144 ✭✭
    > @Practical_Severard said:
    > This is worth a click, to my mind:

    It is a bit unclear to read.
    Does it say 'wearing only THOS!' ?
    What is 'THOS'?
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    @nontan I think the ghost child has too little clothes to go out. Because I consider his mother says: "Do you want only wearing those clothes."
  • PaulettePaulette Posts: 6,698 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Two friends meet each other and John asks Oscar
    Oscar: "How's your new job?"
    John answers: "Oh, fine. I have still 150 men working under me."
    Oscar: "whaw ... how did you do that?"
    John: "It happened without doing anything, I work on the second floor."
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 541 ✭✭✭
    > @nontan said:

    > It is a bit unclear to read.

    > Does it say 'wearing only THOS!' ?

    > What is 'THOS'?

    It's 'this'. The 'I' is capital and cursive and I had a difficulty to stuff it in the pretty narrow balloon. That's why it's difficult to recognise.

    The original text was in Russian.
  • Practical_SeverardPractical_Severard Posts: 541 ✭✭✭
    edited 9:46AM
    > @Paulette said:
    I think the ghost child has too little clothes to go out. Because I consider his mother says: "Do you want only wearing those clothes."

    Almost there, @Paulette, @nontan , but that's the father who's speaking while the mother is hovering behind the armchair.

    "Young lady, you are going nowhere, if you're wearing only THIS!" That robe the ghost girl is wearing is too short for her father's liking. An important thing about the picture is that ghosts are meant to be invisible.
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