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What is one to say about June? The time of perfect young summer, the fulfilment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade.

Gertrude Jekyll
A swarm of bees in May
Is worth a load of hay;
A swarm of bees in June
Is worth a silver spoon;
A swarm of bees in July
Is not worth a fly.
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Good news / Bad news

LynneLynne Your TeacherHomePosts: 9,186 mod
edited November 2014 in Humour
This one is from @mheredge‌.
«1

Comments

  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    How long did the lab need to do the test?
    I think his 24 hours has passed already, so ....
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    So... I suppose we can only pray the diagnosis was wrong @april.
  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    I know that I must not believe doctors :)
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    @mheredge‌ I read your joke yesterday and it was good but not fun. I read it again today and I giggled.
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    Try this one @SLB:

    Gallery Owner: I have some good news and some bad news.
    Artist: What's the good news?
    Gallery Owner: The good news is that a man came in here today asking if the price of your paintings would go up after you die. When I told him they would he bought every one of your paintings.
    Artist: That's great! What's the bad news?
    Gallery Owner: The bad news is that man was your doctor!
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    @mheredge‌ it's ok just like the other one
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    :-)
  • FrankFrank Moderator Posts: 5,743 mod
    edited November 2014
    A man likes to play football and he wanders if it will be possible to keep on playing football after death. So he goes to a priest and asks him if there will be any opportunity to play in heaven. The priest answers that he has to call to heaven first to get the answer and asks the man to come back the other day. The next morning the man returns to church and asks the priest for the answer. The priest says he has good news and bad news: ‘The good news is that there is, indeed, a football team in heaven and you can join in. The bad news is that your first match will be next Sunday.'
  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    Doesn't he have choices? To join or not to join?
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.

    The guy asks for the bad news first.

    The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."

    Then the guy asks for the good news.

    The nurse says, "The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers."
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    hahaha @mheredge‌ good one! I like that kind of jokes, no one could have predicted the punchline!
  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    That's cruel!
    Rub it in, yes! :)
  • FrankFrank Moderator Posts: 5,743 mod
    This makes me think of a story that was on Dutch television recently. There was a man who lost his left leg in 2009. When he bought shoes, he only used the right one. He collected his left shoes in a cupboard because he thought it to be a waist to throw them away. Then he decided to put the brand new left shoes for sale. Now he was searching for a man with the right shoe size who coincidently had lost his right leg.
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    He should put an ad on ebay @lichaamstaal‌. I'm sure he'd find a few takers.
  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    Why shouldn't we wear two different shoes actually?
    We wear different socks and some football players wear different colours of shoes.
    Some people have different size for the left and the right foot too.
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    april wrote: »
    Why shouldn't we wear two different shoes actually? <br />
    You can if you like it

  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    Do you think in the future we could buy a shoe and no more a pair of shoes, @SLB‌ ?
  • aprilapril Moderator Posts: 10,037 mod
    @lichaamstaal‌
    Did you mean "He collected his left shoes in a cupboard because he thought it would be a waste to throw them away." ?
  • FrankFrank Moderator Posts: 5,743 mod
    edited November 2014
    @april Yes, that"s what I meant. Much better, thanks!
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    @april‌ isn't it already possible in some places to do that?
  • LynneLynne Your Teacher HomePosts: 9,186 mod
    Some people need to buy shoes in odd sizes, which I think is why the sales assistant always checks the size on each shoe, to make sure you aren't trying to pull a fast one. There must be an odd shoe shop online, surely.

    (You realise, don't you that we are in danger of attracting shoe salesmen now?)
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    Do you mean odd sizes as in an odd number e.g. "size 37" or do you mean odd as in "left shoe is 35 and right shoe is 37"?
  • FrankFrank Moderator Posts: 5,743 mod
    edited November 2014
    To pull a fast one. That’s I nice expression for this @Lynne! Sometimes I’m almost inclined to do that If I want to buy a suit in a confection store. My jacket always has to be one size bigger than my trousers. Unfortunately confection stores hardly ever sell that combination. So I’m not always that happy with the off-the-peg clothes in their collection. I realise that if I would pull a fast one and change the clothes on the peg, the odd combination I would leave behind would only fit some pine shaped figures. It would therefore be good if they would sell the jacket and the trousers separately.
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    I used to have the same problem with my suits for the office @lichaamstaal‌. I used to have to wear a different jacket size to my skirt size (big bum), so I tended to go for separates. Luckily us women were able to get away with this a bit more easily than the guys!
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    Good News/Bad News for Ministers

    Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
    Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
  • mheredgemheredge Wordsmith Here and therePosts: 25,707 mod
    And if you want to check out language associated with giving good and bad news, have a look at the BBC's Learning English website:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/radio/specials/1113_how_to_news/
  • DoraDora Teacher's Pet Posts: 3,068 mod
    edited January 2015
    A guy went to the doctor for checkup. After some tests, the doctor came in with a grave look on his face.

    Doctor: Well, I have a bad news and a really bad news for you.

    Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

    Doctor: You have cancer and you have only 6 months to live.

    Guy: And the bad news?

    Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

    Guy: Thank God. I was afraid that I had cancer!

    ------------------------------

    Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news for you.

    Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

    Doctor: You have cancer, and you have only 6 months to live.

    Guy: And the bad news?

    Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's.

    Guy: Thank God. I was afraid that I had cancer!
    Post edited by Lynne on
  • SLBSLB Posts: 1,289 ✭✭✭✭
    @Dora‌ jajaja so good! It's the other way around: having Alzheimer's is the really bad news!
    btw shouldn't it be "some really bad news" instead of "<u>a really bad news</u>"?
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