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By all these lovely tokens
September days are here,
With summer’s best of weather
And autumn’s best of cheer.

Helen Hunt Jackson - September
The breezes taste
Of apple peel.
The air is full
Of smells to feel-
Ripe fruit, old footballs,
Burning brush,
New books, erasers,
Chalk, and such.
The bee, his hive,
Well-honeyed hum,
And Mother cuts
Chrysanthemums.
Like plates washed clean
With suds, the days
Are polished with
A morning haze.

John Updike, September
Don't forget to check the calendar(s) for session times. Sessions are held on different platforms, so be sure to find out where the session will take place:-

Speaking Practice

LEN English sessions:-
http://www.learnenglish.de/calendar/learnenglishcalendar.html

Listening Practice 24/7

English radio playlists:-
http://www.englishradio.be/musicevents/calendar.html

Best Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
edited August 2014 in Humour
Here's the winner: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

and the runners up

1. “I've decided to sell my Hoover ... well, it was just collecting dust”

2. “I've written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn't fit it into my set”

3. “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief”

4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn't work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s”

5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn't let me”

6. “Money can't buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal”

7. “Scotland had oil, but it's running out thanks to all that deep frying”

=8. “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame 'cause halfway through he disappears up his own a***hole”

=8. “I've been married for 10 years, I haven't made a decision for seven” .

10. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it”
Post edited by Lynne on

Comments

  • mheredgemheredge Teacher Here and therePosts: 27,014 mod
    edited August 2014
    Hahaha! Great stuff @pryfllwyd‌. I don't know who Michael Gove is, but can imagine what he's like. :D
    Post edited by pryfllwyd on
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    edited August 2014
    He's actually worse than anyone I've ever known before @mheredge - in that sense the joke's not that funny.
    Post edited by pryfllwyd on
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    edited August 2014
    @‌mheredge

    What's the difference between Michael Gove and a plastic surgeon.

    Well, one one of then tucks features ...
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    and more

    "I'm sure wherever my dad is he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    and now for a collective wince ...

    "People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer."
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    "I got involved with an animal charity recently and adopted a whale and a monkey, which is all very well, but sooner or later, I'm gonna have to be the one who has to explain to them why they don't look like each other."
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    edited August 2014
    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
    He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
  • mheredgemheredge Teacher Here and therePosts: 27,014 mod
    Groan @pryfllwyd‌. You sound just like my Uncle Dennis at Christmas!
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    Sorry @mheredge - all the good ones have been censored
  • mheredgemheredge Teacher Here and therePosts: 27,014 mod
    It's okay @pryfllwyd‌, I heard enough blue jokes to last several lifetimes when I was studying at a girls' school.
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    Actually you were named on one joke @‌mheredge

    The others are there for a different purpose
  • LynneLynne Your Teacher HomePosts: 9,477 mod
    Thanks @pryfllwyd‌. We enjoyed an evening of comedy in Kitely last night. I have to say though, every single joke needed to be explained. :dizzy_face:
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
    Taking jokes apart is easy @lynne - but you can never put them back together again - they're just not funny any more.
  • mheredgemheredge Teacher Here and therePosts: 27,014 mod
    What were you saying about me behind my back @pryfllwyd‌. Remember, I'm a brunette, not a blonde. (But my first boyfriend, when I was about 6, was from Essex, was blonde and was called Kevin).
  • pryfllwydpryfllwyd The AnthropocenePosts: 1,405
  • mheredgemheredge Teacher Here and therePosts: 27,014 mod
    Say no more @pryfllwyd‌ ;)
This discussion has been closed.